January 27, 2011

the siren song of the telephone pole

of note: URL has been changed to jennalorence.blogspot.com

of more interesting note:

Today, I almost drove my car into a telephone pole and died.

Dad had to return a rental car, so I said I'd drive with him to return it and take him home. No big deal, right? Well, due to downed power lines and tree branches (from the 8 inches of snow we got last night) it was a little dicey getting out of the neighborhood.

No problem, I thought. I am calm, cool, and collected. I have Minnesotan blood. I know turn into the slide and all that stuff.

I got to the last icy street that would take me to the main road that had been well ploughed and salted. It is a really big hill and was covered in snow. I was ready. I inched up the small hill, preparing to descend the big hill very slowly, very carefully. As I tried to slow down before I started going downward, something interesting happened.

My brakes didn't really mean anything anymore. I took my foot off the brake. I tried pumping the brakes. I tried to ease on the brakes. Nothing.

I realize that if I didn't somehow stop my car right then, I was going to slide down the hill, reaching ever increasing speeds, and finally end up very sadly wrapped around a telephone pole -- so if I was going to crash, I should do it right here, at the top of the hill, where I was only going about 7 miles per hour.

The problem in this situation is deciding what to crash into. I couldn't crash into the mail truck, that would be unamerican. I couldn't crash into someone's house -- mostly because they all had snow drifts in their front yards that would be impassible. Before I could pick the ideal spot for crashing, the telephone pole on the right side of the road started getting all siren-song on my front bumper.

"cooooOOOOOOOme to meeeeeeEEEEE. i am the most beeeeeeeeeautiful telephone pole you will ever seeeEEEEEEEE."

My bumper, unfortunately, listened.

However, before my bumper could be uncerimoniously crushed by this evil telephone pole, the giant snow drift on the side of the road basically said "STEP OFF, SON!"

and my bumper was all "oh my goodness. I almost drove into a telephone pole. What was I thinking?"

and it stopped to ponder this in the snow drift.

Thanks to the talents of a nice neighbor who helped push me out, I made it back home. Now that I am sitting by my fireplace, I think that the snow looks absolutely beautiful. Just please don't ask me to drive in it.

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